YuGiOh!: Dark Duel Parodies
by Psychotic Feaster
Summary: Funny but sad.....Happy....but tragic....Enjoy!!!


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EPISODE #1: _The Fabulous Return of…What?! You've Gotta Be Kidding Me…**Bandit Keith?!**_

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! and its characters (obviously). However, the plot lines involving those characters are _mine_, and anyone who tries to steal them will be punished to the full extent of the law. Don't say I didn't warn you…

Warning: Readers' discretion is advised. The following contains mature subject matter, suggestive themes and coarse language. If you find this piece of work offending, don't blame me: blame yourself! Ha, ha, ha…J 

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One fine day in Duel City, our four friends Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor, Yugi Mutou and Tea Gardner were reviewing their recent experiences in the Duelist Kingdom tournament.

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Joey: Hey, guys, remember that gnat Weevil? Man, Yugi totally creamed that SOB, and made it look easy!

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Yugi: (rubs back of his head sheepishly) Yeah, but unfortunately, I was unconscious during the entire battle. So, Yami did all the work.

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Yami: _Damn right!_

Tristan: Man, Duelist Kingdom had a lot of obstacles and challenges, but we survived every one of them.

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Tea: I agree, and it was all thanks to Yugi. 

Tea gives Yugi a long, lusty look. Yugi looks away, blushing furiously.

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Joey: Hey, don't give Yugi all the credit! Remember my duel with Bandit Keith? I totally wiped the floor with his ass!

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Tristan: (rolls his eyes) Not entirely. You almost got beaten by him, remember?

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Joey: Fuck you, Tristan! You're ruining my moment here!

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Yugi: By the way, what ever happened to him?

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Joey: Probably became depressed and got himself stoned.

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Tristan: Yeah. Heh, heh, heh.

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Tea: Hey, we'd better get goin', or we'll be late for school!

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Solomon: Yeah, kids, you'd better get goin'. I need some…_alone_ time with myself and _I_.

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Yugi: (looks confused) What do you mean by that, Grandpa?

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Solomon: (pissed) Never mind, you dimwit! Just go to school!

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Yugi: (shoulders slumping) Okay, Grandpa. Bye.

As the kids leave the Game Shop, Yami gives Yugi some comforting words.

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Yami: _Don't feel bad, Yugi. I'll…**take care of him** when we get home…_

Yugi's eyes suddenly glow with a manic fire. He lets out a loud, psychotic snicker.

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Yugi: Hee, hee…whatever you say, Yami… 

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While our heroes drag themselves to Domino High School (a.k.a. "Whoresville High"), they hear some voices while passing an alleyway.

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Male voice: Hey, baby, you lost the duel – now, pay up!

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Female voice: I'll _never_ sleep with you!

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Male voice: I never said you would _sleep_ with me. I said that I was going to _rape_ you!

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Female voice: (begins to sound frantic) Help! Help!

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Yugi: Someone's in trouble! Let's go and help!

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Others: Right!

As the gang approaches the dark alley, their eyes fell on the rapist. Sweatdrops appeared all of their foreheads as they immediately recognized the rapist as the notorious Bandit Keith. He looked different, though. His clothes were nothing but rags and his face looked unhealthy and full of whiskers.

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Joey: So, you've reduced yourself to raping girls now, Keith?

As Bandit Keith turned to respond, the girl kicked him in the "sac" and ran away screaming bloody murder. He howled, grabbing his nuts in a gesture of absolute agony.

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Bandit Keith: (breathing heavily) You. Stupid. _Bitch_. Aaaaah….now my nuts will ache for hours, and it's all because of you, Joey Wheeler!"

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Joey: Such my d---, Keith! I knew you were always a loser, but dueling girls for sex? That's a new low.

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Bandit Keith: (melodramatically) Yeah, and it's all because of that duel we had at Duelist Kingdom. It led me to a world of pimping, drugs, and heavy drinking. 

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Tristan: (dryly) You would've done that even if you won the three million dollars!

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Bandit Keith: (scratches the back of his head sheepishly) True, but look at the lifestyle I'm livin' in! If I won that cash prize, I would've been one of the top pimps in the world. Now, I'm just a low-down "Joe" dueling schoolgirls for sex. But…today _is_ my lucky day…

Bandit Keith's eyes glint wolfishly at Tea, who immediately feels naked under his gaze.

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Joey: Whaddaya mean by that?

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Bandit Keith: (pushes past Joey and leers at Tea) 'Cause I've got another pretty victim. Whaddaya say, babe? Even you've got to admit I've got an…_advantage_ over all of these little boys…

Tea's look of unease turns into one of pure fury. Yugi and Tristan immediately back away from Tea, trembling, as they see her body take on a fiery glow. With a yell, Tea rushes at Bandit Keith.

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Tea: (shrieking) Lalalalalalalalalalalalal!!!!!!! 

Tea starts bitch-slapping Bandit Keith like there's no tomorrow.

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Bandit Keith: (in extreme pain) Aarraaaggahh! _It burns, it burns!!_

Joey, Tristan, and Yugi start laughing like crazy. Both Bandit Keith and Tea stop and give them deadly glares.

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Keith and Tea: What the hell are you laughing at?!

Immediately, the three boys choke in their laughter. Bandit Keith takes this moment to grab Tea by the throat and toss her into the three boys, who immediately step aside as her body flies on by. She lands hard on her ass.

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Bandit Keith: She wasn't any fun, anyway. All right, my _real_ point was, I'm gonna take my _dignity_ back! 

This half-assed comment warrants more laughter from Yugi and Tristan. We can practically see Bandit Keith's façade begin to crumble.

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Bandit Keith: (huffing) I mean it, you morons! (points a finger at Joey) Joey Wheeler, I challenge you to a duel!

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Joey: Fuck that, Keith, I don't duel with losers like you!

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Bandit Keith: What?! Are you _afraid_? Well, I knew dogs like you aren't _man_ enough to duel! So, you're a bitch now, huh? Punk?!

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Joey: (really, really angrily) Argh, don't you ever call me a bitch again! I accept your challenge!

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Tea: (standing up and rubbing her butt) Ugh…Joey, you half-brained idiot! You don't have to prove anything to him!

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Joey: Tea, just leave me alone! Stop meddling in other people's affairs!! Bitch!! (strikes Tea across the face)

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Tea: (looks genuinely wounded) Fine! See if I care! (runs off crying)

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Bandit Keith: You ready, chump? 

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Joey: Sure, let's duel!

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Will Joey prevail and beat down Bandit Keith a second time? Or will Bandit Keith mow down Joey and prove that he is, indeed, a bitch? Find out next time in Episode 2, titled…um, well, _who cares?_ Just stay tuned…MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..


End file.
